Next Steps

“But, the paradox of being an adaptive species is that you become far too proficient in permitting yourself to doing things that are not right. Or in the very least not best…”

Of course the idea of starting…fresh is exhilarating. Or, refreshing maybe. You open your eyes one morning and decide today is that day. Or maybe you are on your way to honor your daily duties and it finally settles in that, what you have been doing is not quite what you had in mind for yourself. It never was, but…things happened. A lot of things happened…and for a time it was doable. You said what you needed to say to keep you in motion. To keep from introducing further complications. And it didn’t work. Not in anyway that was significant for your soul. But, the of being an adaptive species is that you become far too proficient in permitting yourself to doing things that are not right. Or in the very least not best. Not an extended length anyways…but since when do we…or I stop doing the wrong thing at the right time and pivot…

I don’t…and that’s full disclosure. An element I promised to provide with my words…or keyboard.

So, when that dusty revelation rears its head, again, often in times of great crisis of the existential nature, I am paid a visit by the idea of “beginning again…but this time for real”. And there is a rise in my spirit. Its strength is diminished by a fraction in comparison to the last time I woke up and spoke confidently of this matter, but some it is there. And once I am able to stand, and shake off the crackle in my knees, as some time has gone by, something happens. I turn to face the mountain that has sought shelter in the settling of a dense fog. (There’s a metaphor in there. I’m certain.) And when the mountain feels my eyes on it, it speaks, parts the haze, revealing its stature and that is when it happens again. I am introduced to the challenge.

Come and conquer…

I begin to formulate, to wonder, to deduce, to ruminate and eventually, I begin to cower. Because as wonderful as it would be to reach the peak of myself…the mountain. Having to take those first steps, are always the most intimidating. Because then there are but two options. To win…or to yield. And while I earnestly desire to set my foot at its highest point, there is evidence that the only thing I have ever really done and done well, is yield…

The tracks or footsteps that reach just a few strides shy of the start, return to the beginning, before a sweat could be broken or a rhythm could be found. I realize the labor ahead calls for more than I believe I possess, so I quickly, albeit with great subtlety, return to base and give to myself those deceptive, wound licking words. “Maybe another…” Fill in what remains with whatever time period you want. I know the truth. Those times never came. And that worn promise never amounted to more than foul breath. It has been disappointing to say the least…

But…

Quite a bit has changed and still, more must change. In that change I have had the privilege of observing a fresh pair of eyes move about this life. And he too figures, deduces, ruminates. But one thing he does and does better than I. Is he acts. He gives no thought to the end result. He does not sit, not for long and attempt to calculate much. His mind does what it can with the information is possesses, and then his heart prompts him to move. Perfection is not yet an idol. Neither is safety. Journey is his destination. Exploration, and exploration by any means, is his vice. There is no consequence for him. Just adventure and growth. Details he pursues with confidence and an unwavering refusal to yield. His spirit will not permit his surrender to any authority that lies outside the thrill of the quest accepted and the goal that is his to hold. He will keep going. So, perhaps, my approach, my usual approach, needs to be discarded. Possibly burned given my propensity to take up things and ideas that have long expired. My focus has invariably delivered undesirable results. Ideas have never provided tangible results or elevated the condition of anyones circumstance. Not alone they haven’t. But should I introduce my ideas to some courageous footwork, it is possible that this time…will be that time, when all the questions are answered, and those wishes…or wants exit my heart, finally collide with my world, and provide…relief. Just maybe. All I need to do is all that I should have done…and take that next step, but more than that…much, much more…

Just keep going…